Final Failure
by cellardoor
Summary: As for me I'm coming to my final failure, killed myself with changes trying to make things better, but I still ended up becoming something other then what I had planned to be. BrightEyes...Lit...Jess's pov...
1. Running away

Disclaimer: Don't own Gilmore Girls, never have, never will…

AN: I'm not sure if this is going to be just a one parter or a two. I haven't decided yet. But I figure why not post what I already have done. So here you go, enjoy…

I ran. I ran fast. I packed my things and ran. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I just got up, put most of my important belongings in a bag and walked away from my life. Away from the best thing to ever happen to me…yet. But even though I say yet, I know its forever. I know that no one can ever compete with her, no one can ever be as good as her, and anyone who comes later will always be second best to her, because she's my first love. I know what you're thinking. Your thinking who walks away from love right? Especially first love that wasn't meant to end and all I have to say to that is… it wasn't that I didn't love her, but it was that I needed to follow him, my dad. He came at the worst time possible. But I'm not mad that he came. I'm glad he came, and I think if I had to do it again, pick between her and my father, I think I'd pick him. Because I don't think I could ever be a whole person without not knowing him. I would always be incomplete and that's not how I want to live my life. But then again without her I'll never be complete either, so it's a lose lose situation either way you look at it.

            So I guess that I do wish that I could take it all back. But this time I'd still follow my dad, but I'd talk to her, and give her a reason for my leaving. That way she could understand and tell me that she'd wait for me. Knowing that I would be back and that this was something that I just had to do, and in that case it would be a win win situation. But seeing as how I didn't take that path I wish that I could go back there and make things good again. I don't know if they could ever be good again but I could try. I could show her that I'm worthy of her love, and that I won't screw up again. Show her I've changed. But I can't.

            I don't know why I can't, I mean I can if I really wanted to but I guess it's because I'm still afraid. Afraid of what you ask? I'm afraid of her. I know that sounds crazy, how can you be in love with someone and afraid of that same time? But the truth is I love her while at the same time I'm scared to death of her. Does that make sense? Let me try and explain. I'm afraid that she'll look the other way, that she won't recognize me when she sees me. And I'm afraid that she wont want to talk to me, that she won't be willing hear me out. I'm afraid that if she gave me a chance she wouldn't want to look at me, because I'd just cause her pain. I'm afraid that we'd be JUST friends. Now I'm really starting to sound crazy because isn't having a friendship better then nothing at all? But I don't think that I could be her friend, to look at her, and watch her as she moved on, and dated other people. It would eat me alive, and cause me just to run again. And I don't want to do that. Not to her.

            The truth is that if I never moved to Stars Hallow and I never met her, or even say she didn't exist, was never born, I would have made her up by now. I know that sounds crazy too, this whole thing sounds crazy; because how can you make someone up you've never seen. Especially me, I don't have a very wild and vivid imagination like her. But I think I had her sketched in my mind before I met her. She was just an outline and you couldn't make out any details, and had I been given more time, my mind would have made her up every centimeter; every hair would have been perfect. The color of her eyes and the curves of her body would have eventually come into place, making… her. I think she would have burned into my head 24/7 as the perfect person. Hell, she is burned into my head 24/7 as the perfect person, she's burned in there as the perfect Girl that I can never have.

            In all honesty I wish that I wasn't afraid. Being afraid of someone like her is like being afraid of a butterfly. It's funny. Having a fear of something so beautiful and so innocent who you know would never hurt you, who couldn't hurt you. My fear is holding me back; I wish that I could follow through with what my heart is telling me. My heart and mind are saying yes go back to her, she'll understand, what's the worst that could happen, but my feet are saying no. and without my feet I cant really go anywhere now  can I?

            I sit here day after day, and everyday I think about those three little words that she said to me. I. Love. You. Eight simple letters… three simple words… one simple sentence… and millions of different emotions. She loved me, and I loved her. That's that. It was true love, it was the greatest love of all loves, because it was pure, and true, and where one felt it, it was being returned with the same passion. It was the deepest kind of love that one can ever fill. It was as deep as the sea and as high as the heavens. It was real.

            But everything she wants, and everything I want is wrong. ** The way that I see it is that even if she still loves me and wants me back it's not right. How can I deny her what she deserves? Everything that she wants is wrong, because I'm what she wants, and I'm wrong. I try and tell myself its right, I've made up so many excuses, like… we were meant to be… and we met for a reason, but in the end it all comes back to the same thing, she deserves something better, someone better then me. She deserves so much that I can't offer her, and I don't want to one day wake up and realize that I've made her sad, and unhappy, because she stuck with me. She needs someone that will make her happy and that she knows won't run away from her. I wish that I could be that guy, but it's wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong.**

Right now all of my dreams are waking up. I know, I know, dreams don't wake up. Aren't they supposed to come true? I wish that was the case, but instead I open my eyes and look around me and realize that I have nothing. I realize that I dream too big. I dream of things that are too complicated. I dream of things that are 3000 miles away and only getting farther and farther. Maybe if I dreamt of something small to start out with, I could make my way up to what I really want. But there is only one thing I want and that's her. And that's huge. So I have to sit back and watch as my dreams slip from my fingers, like sand.

And right now I wish that I could follow her. I wish that I could follow her from a distance, and keep an eye on her to make sure she's safe and happy. I wish that I could go with her to Yale, and follow her to Europe, I even wish I could follow her to the ends of the earth, follow her to where no one lives and we can be happy, just the two of us, with no one to come and disturb our peaceful little life together, but I'm afraid that when we reached the end she would push me over the edge and never look back, leaving me alone, with only my regrets.

All of that wishing makes me wonder. I wonder if she remembers when we first met. I know she remembers, because she could never forget, even if she tried as I have. I wonder though if she remembers when she would call me, and I'd call her back, or when I would call her, and she'd call me back. It was such a small tiny gesture that everyone does from day to day, but for us it was a leap, because it started out small, when nothing mattered and we were just friends, but then in turned into us both longing for something more.

The problem with it all was that it came too soon. We were thrown into something that neither of us was ready for. I came too soon. She came too soon. We met too soon. Plain and simple, even if it doesn't seem so. Had everything been different, had we ran into each other in the future… we would have been soul mates. Perfect for each other, because she was my moon, the light that lit up my night. Had we met in the future I would have already been with my dad and made amends, and she would be out there somewhere, waiting for the moment when we would meet and fall in love. She could have been the future but now she's just the past.

Running away from her in the first place was my final failure, So I guess we still have a chance, because anyone who was destined to be soul mates in the future, would always be destined to be soul mates right? In the future, the present, and even in the past…


	2. Random meeting

Disclaimer: Don't own Gilmore Girls, never have, never will…

AN: Okay so this takes place some years later from the first part, and this part isn't so sad, I mean they are destined to be together, so this is how it happens…. Anyways this is the end. Only a two chapter story, I hope you enjoy…

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8 years later I was in the same position I was in when I first left her. The years passed and I still couldn't bring my feet to face her. Just one step forward was all I needed, but for some reason I was at a dead stop, and I had been for the last 8 years. Maybe it wasn't my feet, but the fear that was holding me back from her. You'd think that over time the fear would subside, I thought that too. We were both wrong. I wanted to go back, I really did, I wanted to see her, if even just a glimpse, but that to was too much for me. I wanted to do all of those things that I said I wanted to do, but I didn't. Big surprise huh? I let her down again without her really knowing it. I don't even know if she would have wanted to see me. But I could have at least tried.

It was only matter of time before something would ensue. I didn't expect to run into her randomly like it happened. As a matter of fact I didn't expect to run into her ever again. I thought that I would live my life always in the shadows, with the 'what ifs'.  I figured there is this whole earth, with billions and billions, did I say billions? of people on it, how could two people who have a past run into each other in such a random place? Perhaps if it was meant to be? But maybe this is how the original plan went. This is how it would have been had we met in the future.

Over the 8 years I was away I made a name for myself. I finished school, I went to college and I became someone important. I was what some might call a 'big shot', and I was proud of it. I had always been the loser, the screw-up, the trouble maker, and now I was the one calling the shots. To be honest I was proud of myself, and I didn't hide it.  I was in Colorado on a business trip. She lived in Colorado, huh. I didn't know this at the time, had I known I would have sent someone else to do the job. Because no matter how big and powerful I was, she still scared me and made me weak. She was walking down the street with her head in a book, go figure, and there I was minding my own business taking in my surroundings walking down that same street. Seems pretty lame right? Oh they bump into each other and sparks fly. But that's not exactly how it happened…

She was in front of me, and I was only taking in my surroundings because, although I wouldn't admit it at the time, I was lost. A lot of time had passed how was I supposed to know it was her from the back of her head? I sucked up my pride and I looked around for someone that could help me get where I needed to be. She was the only one on the same sidewalk as me and so I jogged a little to catch up to her. I reached my hand out to tap her on the shoulder to catch her attention without startling her, but I swear to you the second I touched her, my hand felt like it was on fire. 'Excuse me' I asked as I pulled my hand back staring at with a state of complete shock.

She turned around and I slowly looked up, I was still a little confused about my hand. Uh-oh. I can only imagine what my face looked liked when I saw that it was her. I immediately turned around hoping that she didn't recognize me and started to walk in the opposite direction. That probably gave me away right there, but I freaked, I didn't know what else to do. The funny thing is, the roles had reversed, it was always her job to do the running, I guess we both really had changed. I was half way down the block before I realized that my feet were finally moving, only in the wrong direction. The truth is I never knew I could walk that fast, but of course she was always better then me. Better at everything, she moved faster then the speed of light because when I looked up again she was standing right in front me. 

I immediately looked down at my feet, I was ashamed, I felt like a dog that just chewed up my owner's best shoe and I was standing there with my tail between my legs. She said my name and it made my muscles tighten. I couldn't look at her. I just stared at my feet, hoping this was all some dream and she'd go away any minute now. Maybe with the snap of my fingers I thought, I snapped them, and must have looked like idiot because she was still there, hovering over me, or under me, it doesn't matter either way she was just hovering.

She stood there, talking. She was talking to me? I looked up and stared at her mouth as it moved. I was deaf, when had I become deaf? Here was the love of my life standing right in front of me, _talking to me and all I could think of was when I had I become deaf? That was the least of my problems. I couldn't hear anything coming out of her beautiful lips, and so I just stood there dumbfounded wishing that I knew how to at least read lips. There was an almost silent noise. It was muffled, and deep, and it kept getting clearer, and clearer, until I heard something. 'Jess?' hey wait a minute that was my name! I turned around and looked behind me, then to each side of me before I looked in front of me and realized it was her repeating my name. I never felt so stupid before in my life. And then it happened. I looked her in the eyes. My knees felt weak, and my stomach knotted up, I thought I was going to puke. _

My face must have looked horrid, and then she smiled. I never thought that I would see her smile again. Let alone me being the cause of the smile. I was making my way back up! Well… or so I thought. That smile had so much power over me. It was like all of the sudden my fears were gone, and a weight was lifted off my shoulders. All those years I feared her not recognizing me, or not wanting to look at me, or not wanting to talk to me flew out the window. She did recognize me, she wanted to look at me, and she was talking to me, as I stood in front of her with my mouth half open not even able to blink. Looking back on it now, I'm wondering why she didn't run away from me. I mean wouldn't have you? I would have ran away from myself if I could have, I must have looked like a mad man.

She reached her hand out to touch me and I snapped. I don't mean snapped in a bad way, I mean I snapped out of my daze and jumped back a bit. She pulled her hand back quickly right before it touched me, I didn't want her to feel the same burn that I felt when I touched her. She might have taken it as a sign, and with my luck it would have been the wrong way. That burn could have meant a number of different things. One, the good one, being the heat and the passion that we once shared wasn't burnt out yet, it meant that we were only starting our journey together. And the second one, the bad one, could have meant I was trouble, that I would only burn her again like I had done once before. She probably would have taken the second one. She looked up at me and then I smiled. She always made me smile, even if she didn't do anything. And the first thing I think to say is 'Rory?' I wanted to slap myself in the head. Duh, Idiot of course it was Rory, you would know her anywhere. (Well maybe not anywhere since you couldn't even tell it was the back of her head.)

After I said her name I kind of just stood there, we both had now established that it really was us, and all I wanted to so was kiss her. I'm sure your saying I should have went for it, I should have kissed her, because obviously we were still in love, but I wasn't sure yet, and I think that if I would have, she would slapped me and that would have been that last time I ever saw her. I didn't want it to be the last. 'I thought about this day everyday for the last 8 years.' My eyes grew big, I closed my mouth. Did I just say that out loud? Because I thought it and I heard it at the same time. I closed my mouth and clenched it shut. If I kept staying stupid things like that, she'd run away. But then I heard it again. And this time I knew it wasn't me that had said it. My head jerked up and I looked at her. She must have thought I was on something since she seemed to have to repeat herself over and over and over...

'I thought about how when this day came, I'd hate you. And I'd want to yell at you, and tell you how much you hurt me, and how much I loved you, and wished you would have just told me what was going on, then I'd slap you and turn and walk away from you. I'd show you how It felt to have the person you love run away and never look back' I hung my head in shame. I heard those words loud and clear, 'but now that I see you, I just can't do that.'

What? Did I hear that correctly? She can't do that? 'Why' I heard myself say. I know what you're thinking; once again another stupid question slips from my mouth.  I always say stupid things when I'm a situation like this. Well not like I've been in this situation before, but I imagined it, oh believe me, I imagined it down to every detail. Why ask why? Why not just take the answer for what it is.

'Because seeing you makes me realize what a great friend you were, yes, you were the worlds worst boyfriend, but only in the end. Other then that you were perfect and I'm not sure I want to go another 8 years without seeing you.'

I think I almost choked, wouldn't have you? I mean there it was my biggest fear of all standing right in front of me, staring me right in the face. Friends. She wanted to be my friend, and just friends at that. I couldn't be her friend because I was still in love. Yeah I had moved on, I had met others, hell I was in a relationship and in love with someone else right now. But seeing her brought all of those old feelings back. It brought back a love that was stronger then anything I had ever felt, a love stronger then anything I would ever feel again. And I knew this time I couldn't let it get passed me. I had to take what I could get, and for once I did the smart thing, if being her friend was what she wanted, then that is what she would get. Why does she have to be so perfect? How can she just forget and forgive the past? 

I guess that's a good thing, I guess that's definitely a good thing. I _know_ that's a good thing, which means we can try and work this entire thing out. We stood there, and stared each other, actually I'm pretty sure I did most of the staring, she was starting to play with her hands. Maybe this is what we needed, we just needed to start as friends, so we could work up to becoming something more. This was it; this was my second chance, as friends I could tell her and prove to her everything that I had ever wanted to. I wanted to prove to her that I loved her, that I never stopped loving her and that I could still love her, if that went well, then maybe, just maybe, she could love me again. If she could love me again, and I know this is a long shot, then all my dreams would come true. _My dreams_, did you hear that? My way too huge complicated dreams could maybe come true. What did I have to lose…? I had to try or I might regret it forever like the last time. So I looked up at her and straight into her eyes and then I responded loud and clear with a grin on my face… 'Yeah, me either.'

And so that started our new friendship, and it was only the beginning. We were friends. Rory and Jess first friends, then boyfriend and girlfriend, then ex's, were now friends…again, but not for long… Our friendship picked up quickly, and we started more where we left off… because three years later we were engaged and as happy as could possibly be. I had the two things I ever wanted. I knew my father, and I had the girl. It was a win win situation in the end, and what I thought as my finale failure turned out to be no failure at all.


End file.
